The First Time I Ever Swore

Do you remember your first swear word? I do. It’s a milestone for any kid. When a little kid swears, a little part of their innocence dies. It’s also pretty fucking hilarious. 

 

It was the spring of 1992, I was 7. Back in those days if a kid had Soda-Licious gummies, they were a king among the masses. Kids would do all sorts of tom foolery for sugar coated candies shaped into beer bottles or frosty beer mugs. Looking back, I can’t believe this stuff actually existed or that parents actually bought these for kids, it’s like setting them up for rehab. Anyway, if a kid had these for their snack they were basically a puppet master during recess. That shit was crack.


Hey kids, beer makes you cool.
 

 My mom always packed me apple slices for snacks, which I either “roofed” or threw at seagulls. Before I go on, I’ll just explain what “roofed” means and why there were seagulls at my school.

Roof: to throw something on the roof of a building. Some parts of my school were only 1 story high and so it was fairly easy for a kid to roof things.

Seagulls:  Back in the day, garbage was collected in these large open top barrels. The garbage attracted seagulls and wasps. Throwing away garbage was like playing Russian Roulette - you never knew when a swarm of wasps might chase you.

If Soda-Licious was crack, tennis balls were currency. Tennis balls were every kid’s gold standard for outdoor toys. The game of Handball was the “it” game. Kids would take turns bouncing a tennis ball off the ground to then hit a wall. If the ball didn’t bounce off the ground before hitting the wall, you were out. If the ball bounced on the ground but didn’t hit the wall, you were also out. The last person playing won. It was a simple game, for a simpler time. I somehow, I don’t remember how, had in my possession a brand new tennis ball, bright green with my initials on it in red permanent marker. I brought it to school feeling like a boss. I took it out for morning recess and played Handball with friends, and even classmates who weren’t my friends wanted to play with me. I was popular! I felt like I was on top of the world. I had a tennis ball! Little did I know that my new found fame and fortune would soon be lost.

Lunch recess rolled around and I was playing Handball like a champ. But on one overly enthusiastic bounce, the ball smacked the wall too hard and flew a distance away. Me and my classmates ran for it but it rolled too far...it rolled into Mark, the T.R kid’s reach. Back in the 90’s when no one knew any better, special needs students were called T.R’s (trainable retard) by the teaching and administrative staff.  Mark was known for 2 things – shouting “Mr.Feudo!”, and roofing tennis balls. I knew it was over. It played out like a Greek tragedy.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”, I cried. But it was all in vain. Mark picked up my tennis ball then yelled “MR.FEUDO!” as a battle cry before roofing my tennis ball in an act of defiance to the gods.

 I was shattered. I lost the most valuable thing a kid could own. And I couldn’t even be mad because Mark didn’t know any better. I needed a way to express the complete lost I felt inside, and so, on the cold pavement I sank to my knees, clouds covered the skies and kids huddled around me for consolation, and that’s when I said it. My first swear ever. “FUCK!”

Being 7, I didn’t actually know what fuck meant. I just knew it was a bad word kids weren’t allowed to say. But for whatever reason, that was the word that came to mind to capture my pain. The kids huddling around me suddenly gasped and went straight to our teacher to tattle on me. My teacher pulled me to the side and asked if I knew what kind of language I used. I said it was Spanish,which sounded legitimate to 7 year old me. When the day was finished, my dad picked me up and my teacher informed him about my swearing. Because my parents are Asian and old school, I got the beats that day.

Moral of the story: Just as Icarus flew too closely to the sun and then plunged into the sea, having too much pride leads to life giving you the fucking beats.