Things I Suck at - Social Graces

It’s January, that time of the year when everyone is setting goals for themselves at an attempt for self-improvement.  I haven’t figured out what my goal(s) should be, and I think in order to set meaningful goals for self-improvement I should first figure out the things I suck at. After some consideration I’ve come up with a list of things I thoroughly, whole-heartedly, spectacularly suck at.  AND I think it would be fun to present these things in a series of posts rather than a single post. Maybe you can relate, most likely not – hopefully not. But if you can, then you, my friend, are a kindred spirit who I would want to get drunk off raspberry cordial with. If you got that reference there, then holy shit! We ARE kindred spirits!

 I'm kicking off this series with the thing I probably suck at most - being social!




I am an introvert, and because of my aversion to socializing, I haven’t developed the go-to moves or phrases that a normal person knows how to execute when being social. The specific moves I’m referring to are simple things like how to jump into a conversation, how to maintain a conversation, and the one I have the most difficulty with, how to exit a conversation.

Getting into a conversation is so incredibly difficult for me. At any kind of get together, I am usually on the fringes of a circle of friends, or at the corner of a long table where friends are sitting together. I like to position myself in such a way that my only contribution to a group conversation is ambient noise. I’ll laugh, gasp, go hmmmmmm, sometimes yawn, throw in a couple of cool’s, yup’s, nope’s, really?’s – basically the spectrum of one word responses to seem like I’m part of the conversation and call it a night. Sometimes, out of anxiety or boredom, and if available, I’ll take some liquid courage (tequila!), Hulk-out and just barge into a conversation relying on drunken stupor or sick dance moves to get me through the night. Sometimes this approach has worked in my favour, because all of sudden I become electric and a merry time is had by all.

Other times this approach has lead to me being friends with the toilet (or the floor, whichever one I got to first).

I just don’t know how to jump into a conversation, especially in a work setting. I hate it when I have to deliver report findings or explain something in person to a co-worker but that person is busy talking to someone else. In these situations the logical thing to do is (I’m guessing) to excuse yourself, and then get into whatever it is that you’re there for, then get out asap. Because I’m socially handicapped, I’ll either walk all the way back to my desk (which at certain offices has been on a different floor) and try again later (which by then of course that person is away from their desk), or wait there like some poor schmuck pretending that I can’t hear about weekend plans or other personal matters until they’re done talking, which could be fuck knows how long.

When I finally, somehow, get into a conversation my next challenge is to keep it going. I’m the kind of person who really only speaks when they have something important/interesting to say. I don’t talk for the sake of talking. I’m cool with awkward silences and staying aloof.  So of course, I HATE small talk.  I especially HATE small talk concerning the weather because it’s like pointing out the most obvious thing and then giving it a reality show – it’s unscripted drivel that rehashes the same drivel originally hyped by people who get to keep their jobs even when they can be wrong 90% of the time. Aside from the weather, there isn’t much choice for topics of small talk because things like politics, religion, and philosophical views (the meat and potatoes of getting to know someone) are considered taboo topics that could lead to disagreement. Which I think is a shame because disagreement could lead to learning new things, developing new perspectives, and at the very least help you decide whether or not the person you’re talking to is worth your time. No need to guess what’s on someone’s mind by inaccurate assessment of body language/facial expression/tone of speech. No need to endure months/years in a fruitless relationship and bitter breakup. See what I mean? If you’re single I just saved you years of your life that small talk would have shaved off. You’re welcome! You can thank me by building a shrine or making a small offering of like calorie portioned packets of cookies. Small talk is basically this bullshit paralysis we let ourselves get into for what? Perceived obligation. Despite all this, I DO understand that small talk is a necessary evil – it’s the grease that makes the cogs in the machine called life, turn. Anyway, by now I’m sure you can tell I’m actually blogging from the woods, because... I am a hermit....who needs those cookies.

Also, by now I’m sure you’re thinking that if I have this much trouble initiating and maintaining a conversation then I can drop a conversation like a boss. WRONG! WRONG! Ending a verbal, face-to-face conversation, with someone I just met, or don’t know that well, is embarrassingly difficult for me to do. In the past, I’ve relied on trailing off my speech and then doing some kind of weird dance-shuffle to physically distance myself from having to continue speaking. I have legitimately done the running-man to exit a small talk conversation with a project manager. This kind of behaviour does not inspire faith in my work. Also, contrary to what Zooey Deschanel or Kristen Wiig will have you believe, awkward dancing does not make you endearing. In real life, it makes people question your grasp on sanity.

Sometimes, I just don’t know how to end a conversation in a neat and tidy way that doesn’t burn bridges. So I end up debating in my head how best to do this, what words should I string together in a sentence to let the other person know that I want to leave (hmmm....I want to say “I’m bored”, but instead I’ll say “I have diarrhea”. Nailed it.). While this process takes place, I’m running my ambient noise track so that the other person thinks I’m still engaged in the conversation.  Eventually, that person will get bored and bow out on their own, or I’ll get impatient and panic and leave in a mad dash. One time, back when I was in university, I was on the bus home and some old senior man sits beside me and decides to tell me his life story. Because I’m not a total bitch, I sat there and politely listened for forever, even missing my stop. Finally, the old man says I’m a lovely person and asks if I would have lunch with him sometime. At this point, I’m blocks away from my stop and have no idea how to get home. So I get impatient, I get up and tell the old man I’m late for my violin lesson (I don’t play any musical instrument) and get off the next stop putting myself in an unfamiliar neighbourhood, at an incredibly inconvenient distance from where I needed to be, and screwing the rest of my day.

Well then...Happy Monday!