When it's Over....

Hi friends, 

I am sincerely sorry for the lack of updates to this blog. I’ve been meaning to finish writing this post for a month. But because the content is very close to me, every time I got into it I would write off in a tangent. All these emotions and memories would wash over me and I would lose the original intended message. My hope for this post was for it to be equal parts honest (without taking myself too seriously) and light-hearted. However, I think sometimes honesty calls for a more grounded tone. So this post is my attempt at having an honest conversation with some sprinkles of comic relief and a flashback of the early 2000s.

 “All the things that I used to say

  All the words that got in the way

  All the things I used to know

  Have gone out the window....”

If there was song that could capture the spirit of my life at this point in time, it would be When It’s Over by Sugar Ray. I forgot how much I liked this song, and how much Mark McGrath looked like a hotter version of Ethan Hawke. For you youngin’s out there, here’s a slice of 2001:

For the most part this song is about a breakup, but to me it sounds like the singer is realizing that the breakup has had more of an impact on him than he originally thought it could have -  that maybe he lost something real. At the same time, it sounds like that even though there was a breakup, there hasn't been a complete separation. Maybe the relationship still lives on in the singer’s thoughts, or maybe she's still in his life somehow – maybe they’re still friends?  Maybe she’s his baby mama? Maybe it’s just wrong timing for two crazy kids who are right for each other? Whatever the case I like the ambiguity in the lyrics and even in the melody, which is overall upbeat for a breakup song.  It doesn’t come across as angry or bitter, but I do hear the singer’s voice being sullen in the chorus. It’s clear he misses her, or at least misses that time in his life.

Saying goodbye to someone brings about hours of introspective thinking. And introspective times call for songs that are open to interpretation. Sugar Ray has been on repeat lately, I’ve been going through a separation of sorts. The person I’m trying to separate from but can’t completely do so is myself - or at least the person I used to be. Over the last 2 years I’ve been going through a period of life quaking change – I lost my job 3 weeks before I got married (Surprise! I’m not a hermit living in the woods), I entered a phase of career stagnation then decay, went back to school, and most recently, and very happily....I started a new career. I’ll get into it all in future posts, but for this post I want to focus on what I’ve learned.

 

The past 2 years have forced me to take a critical look at myself – my decisions, my philosophies that drive my decisions, the things I have rightly or wrongly placed emphasis on in defining my identity. I’ve had to ask myself some tough questions like: Are my strengths really my flaws? Are the strategies that I rely on still serving me well? Do my goals still have value? What do I need to let go of? I’ve been kind of like a farmer carefully planting seeds of new identity, patiently cultivating new sources of inspiration, taking a scythe to harvest the new modes of thought that have ripened, and cutting away the weeds that choke growth. That last part is still a work in progress. It’s hard to drop old habits or ideologies to make room for new ones to take root.
 

Through it all I’ve realized that the person I used to be was excessive because I lacked passion and confidence. I realized a lot of the goals and expectations I had for myself were empty. Growing up, I was lauded as the kid with all the potential in the world. I wasn’t just good, I wasn’t just smart - I was talented. I don’t mean to sound full of myself; I just want to set the background here. I was the kid consistently pulling off a 90% average in classes like Physics, Biology, Math, and Visual Arts. There was no excuse for me to ever be anything short of successful. Problem was I didn't know what I wanted to be. I wanted to keep all my options open so I ended up wanting to be everything.  I carried on living my life with very split views on the ideal life. Because I couldn’t settle on one path, I could never feel satisfied with the one I was on. And because I had such polarizing ideals, I was always second guessing my decisions, so that as time went by, I became less and less sure of myself. I was too busy trying to live up to all of my ideals of what I thought it meant to be ahead in life, that I wasn’t fully engaged in my own.

Even though there were plenty of reasons for me to be happy and thankful, I constantly felt like I was lagging behind my peers, or that my life was missing something (at one point I had a severe case of baby fever...more on that in future posts). Most of all, I felt like I had squandered the potential I had when I was younger – that I had immensely and irrevocably let my younger self down.  It took a long time for me to realize that I had to let go of some of my ideals, the fuel that drove my actions, in order to be more present and content.  Everyday I struggle with recognizing the difference between what’s possible and what’s enough, and being content with the journey no matter how zigzagged or shrouded the road looks, vs. the destination.

 Something else I struggle with is the habit of shutting the world out. I have placed so much emphasis on strength (being or at least appearing unfazed by unfortunate events) as my identity, that being or appearing vulnerable is never an option I let myself have. So to keep up appearances, I shut the world out, even people near and dear to me. It’s unhealthy to isolate yourself,  but that’s how I do it, that’s how I come across as having my shit together when I really don’t – I just shut the world out. You will never find a cryptic song lyric hinting at sadness/anger/bitterness as my Facebook status. I don’t do vulnerable, at least not on Facebook! I will however, use Sugar Ray to express my thoughts on personal growth on my blog :D

 

 "All the things she used to bring

  All the songs she used to sing

  All the favourite TV shows

  Have gone out the window”

The person I used to be was driven, but wasn’t her own driver. The person I used to be... grew up I guess? I can tell because I'm now into House of Cards and get super excited about appliances and furniture. I already miss the old me.

Side note: I chopped my hair and got Robin Wright’s pixie cut as a first step, and outward sign of commitment to my newfound growth.

Bottom line...in demoralizing times when your strength of spirit is crippled, when you can’t help yourself, don’t be afraid to ask for help OR to accept it. Believe me, the universe will let you catch a beating when you have too much pride.  Also, don’t be too hard on yourself. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

"When it’s over

  Can I still come over?

  And when it’s over

  Is it really over?

 When it’s over

 That’s the time I fall in love again”