When it's Over....

Hi friends, 

I am sincerely sorry for the lack of updates to this blog. I’ve been meaning to finish writing this post for a month. But because the content is very close to me, every time I got into it I would write off in a tangent. All these emotions and memories would wash over me and I would lose the original intended message. My hope for this post was for it to be equal parts honest (without taking myself too seriously) and light-hearted. However, I think sometimes honesty calls for a more grounded tone. So this post is my attempt at having an honest conversation with some sprinkles of comic relief and a flashback of the early 2000s.

 “All the things that I used to say

  All the words that got in the way

  All the things I used to know

  Have gone out the window....”

If there was song that could capture the spirit of my life at this point in time, it would be When It’s Over by Sugar Ray. I forgot how much I liked this song, and how much Mark McGrath looked like a hotter version of Ethan Hawke. For you youngin’s out there, here’s a slice of 2001:

For the most part this song is about a breakup, but to me it sounds like the singer is realizing that the breakup has had more of an impact on him than he originally thought it could have -  that maybe he lost something real. At the same time, it sounds like that even though there was a breakup, there hasn't been a complete separation. Maybe the relationship still lives on in the singer’s thoughts, or maybe she's still in his life somehow – maybe they’re still friends?  Maybe she’s his baby mama? Maybe it’s just wrong timing for two crazy kids who are right for each other? Whatever the case I like the ambiguity in the lyrics and even in the melody, which is overall upbeat for a breakup song.  It doesn’t come across as angry or bitter, but I do hear the singer’s voice being sullen in the chorus. It’s clear he misses her, or at least misses that time in his life.

Saying goodbye to someone brings about hours of introspective thinking. And introspective times call for songs that are open to interpretation. Sugar Ray has been on repeat lately, I’ve been going through a separation of sorts. The person I’m trying to separate from but can’t completely do so is myself - or at least the person I used to be. Over the last 2 years I’ve been going through a period of life quaking change – I lost my job 3 weeks before I got married (Surprise! I’m not a hermit living in the woods), I entered a phase of career stagnation then decay, went back to school, and most recently, and very happily....I started a new career. I’ll get into it all in future posts, but for this post I want to focus on what I’ve learned.

 

The past 2 years have forced me to take a critical look at myself – my decisions, my philosophies that drive my decisions, the things I have rightly or wrongly placed emphasis on in defining my identity. I’ve had to ask myself some tough questions like: Are my strengths really my flaws? Are the strategies that I rely on still serving me well? Do my goals still have value? What do I need to let go of? I’ve been kind of like a farmer carefully planting seeds of new identity, patiently cultivating new sources of inspiration, taking a scythe to harvest the new modes of thought that have ripened, and cutting away the weeds that choke growth. That last part is still a work in progress. It’s hard to drop old habits or ideologies to make room for new ones to take root.
 

Through it all I’ve realized that the person I used to be was excessive because I lacked passion and confidence. I realized a lot of the goals and expectations I had for myself were empty. Growing up, I was lauded as the kid with all the potential in the world. I wasn’t just good, I wasn’t just smart - I was talented. I don’t mean to sound full of myself; I just want to set the background here. I was the kid consistently pulling off a 90% average in classes like Physics, Biology, Math, and Visual Arts. There was no excuse for me to ever be anything short of successful. Problem was I didn't know what I wanted to be. I wanted to keep all my options open so I ended up wanting to be everything.  I carried on living my life with very split views on the ideal life. Because I couldn’t settle on one path, I could never feel satisfied with the one I was on. And because I had such polarizing ideals, I was always second guessing my decisions, so that as time went by, I became less and less sure of myself. I was too busy trying to live up to all of my ideals of what I thought it meant to be ahead in life, that I wasn’t fully engaged in my own.

Even though there were plenty of reasons for me to be happy and thankful, I constantly felt like I was lagging behind my peers, or that my life was missing something (at one point I had a severe case of baby fever...more on that in future posts). Most of all, I felt like I had squandered the potential I had when I was younger – that I had immensely and irrevocably let my younger self down.  It took a long time for me to realize that I had to let go of some of my ideals, the fuel that drove my actions, in order to be more present and content.  Everyday I struggle with recognizing the difference between what’s possible and what’s enough, and being content with the journey no matter how zigzagged or shrouded the road looks, vs. the destination.

 Something else I struggle with is the habit of shutting the world out. I have placed so much emphasis on strength (being or at least appearing unfazed by unfortunate events) as my identity, that being or appearing vulnerable is never an option I let myself have. So to keep up appearances, I shut the world out, even people near and dear to me. It’s unhealthy to isolate yourself,  but that’s how I do it, that’s how I come across as having my shit together when I really don’t – I just shut the world out. You will never find a cryptic song lyric hinting at sadness/anger/bitterness as my Facebook status. I don’t do vulnerable, at least not on Facebook! I will however, use Sugar Ray to express my thoughts on personal growth on my blog :D

 

 "All the things she used to bring

  All the songs she used to sing

  All the favourite TV shows

  Have gone out the window”

The person I used to be was driven, but wasn’t her own driver. The person I used to be... grew up I guess? I can tell because I'm now into House of Cards and get super excited about appliances and furniture. I already miss the old me.

Side note: I chopped my hair and got Robin Wright’s pixie cut as a first step, and outward sign of commitment to my newfound growth.

Bottom line...in demoralizing times when your strength of spirit is crippled, when you can’t help yourself, don’t be afraid to ask for help OR to accept it. Believe me, the universe will let you catch a beating when you have too much pride.  Also, don’t be too hard on yourself. Have faith that the best is yet to come.

"When it’s over

  Can I still come over?

  And when it’s over

  Is it really over?

 When it’s over

 That’s the time I fall in love again”

{High School Daze} The Funniest Memory

Gather round friends, I’m about to spit some hot fire of truth.  The most random events that happen to us, are the memories that stand out.  In my particular case, the most random and hilariously epic event that I ever got to witness happened on a seemingly average day of high school. But before I get into it, I have some disclaimers:

1)      This is one of those stories that you had to have been there to find it as funny as I do. But I will damn well try to explain why I’m LMAO.

2)      Some of you may find this story kind of low brow at the least, and mean at the most. So if you’re someone who may potentially get offended, stop reading. I will post another story from the hollowed days of my youth sometime soon!

OK, we good? Cool. Read on.

To set this story up I need to explain some things. First off, in my high school special needs students were called “Planning For Independence” by the school’s administration, or pip kids for short.

Secondly, back in high school I was friends with this Korean girl named Bolim.  Bolim was a very prim and proper kind of super nerd. She was Little Miss Perfect in every sense. I initially found her to be incredibly annoying, but because we had the same classes throughout the spring semester of gr.11, we became friends out of necessity. Anyway, Bolim had a tendency to fan herself hysterically with both hands whenever she was freaking out, and she could freak out over the smallest of things, like getting a grade below 90%.

So....

One day Bolim and I walked into the Cafeteria and as we passed through the doors, this gr.9 pip kid sitting at a table closest to us, is scratching his balls furiously then looks up, square into Bolim’s eyes, does this come hither look and goes...“Hey Ling-Ling wanna be my girlfriend?”.

I died! I just died.

There are moments in life when time stands still. This was one of them for me. I didn’t know what to do, what to say. I didn’t know where to look.  I sure as hell wasn't going to look back at the pip kid scratching his balls away like he was strumming a guitar. I was just gobsmacked.

Let that scene play again in your mind. Really let that scene sink in.

First off, who knew a pip kid could be racist? This kid, out of his own accord, unprovoked by anyone, called a Korean girl by probably the most stereotypically sounding Asian name.

Second off, this kid had the audacity and the capacity to:

A)     ask a girl he didn’t know to be his girlfriend

AND 

B)       scratch his balls the whole time through

I don’t care if the kid was special needs or not, the fact remains that it was a gr.9 boy asking a gr.11 girl to go steady with him. So hats off to that kid! 

Bolim was mortified. She was fanning her bright red face like there was no tomorrow.

In that moment, I thought to myself “YUP. My high school experience is complete.”.